The Alexa Disaster, the Airplane Jack Crisis, and the Most Confused Family Dinner Ever
One Saturday evening, Tommy decided he wanted to impress his family.
This was already a dangerous idea.
Tommy had a long history of trying to impress people and accidentally creating problems. He once tried to grill steaks for his wife and somehow melted a plastic lawn chair. Another time he attempted to fix a leaky faucet and accidentally turned off water to half the neighborhood.
But this time was different.
This time he had technology.
Specifically, he had an Alexa speaker.
Tommy loved Alexa.
He treated Alexa with more respect than most human beings.
When Alexa answered a question correctly, he would say, “Thank you, Alexa.”
When Alexa misunderstood him, he would apologize.
“Sorry, Alexa. I should have spoken more clearly.”
His wife Karen found this extremely strange.
“You know it’s a machine, right?”
Tommy looked offended.
“You treat it with respect.”
“It’s a speaker.”
“It’s listening.”
“That’s exactly what worries me.”
Their daughters thought the whole thing was hilarious.
One evening at dinner, Karen decided to test Tommy.
She leaned toward Alexa and said, “Alexa, who is the boss of this house?”
Alexa replied, “I’m sorry. I do not know the answer.”
Tommy pointed proudly.
“See? She’s smart enough not to get involved.”
The girls laughed so hard milk came out of one nose.
That should have been the end of it.
Unfortunately, Tommy had another brilliant idea.
He decided to take the family on vacation.
The trip began at the airport.
Airports are already stressful places.
Everyone is carrying bags.
Everyone is running.
Everyone looks like they just realized they forgot something important.
Tommy handled this stress the only way he knew how.
By drinking.
At six in the morning.
At the airport bar.
Karen found him sitting there with a large glass.
“Tommy, what are you doing?”
“Preparing for the flight.”
“It’s six in the morning.”
“Exactly. The plane leaves at seven.”
Karen sighed.
By the time they boarded, Tommy had become best friends with three strangers, a bartender, and possibly a trash can.
Halfway through the flight he asked the flight attendant for another whiskey.
She looked at him carefully.
“Sir, perhaps you’ve had enough.”
Tommy laughed.
“Enough? We’re going to run out of Jack Daniels on this flight before I’ve had enough.”
The flight attendant blinked.
“Sir, that is not something a person should brag about.”
A businessman sitting next to Tommy slowly moved his laptop farther away.
Tommy continued talking.
Nobody had asked him anything.
He told stories.
He explained conspiracy theories.
He described his high school football career.
He gave parenting advice to a couple who clearly did not have children.
Finally the businessman leaned over and whispered, “Please stop.”
Tommy smiled.
“Best friends already.”
The businessman looked like he was considering jumping out of the emergency exit.
When the plane landed, Karen announced that Tommy was no longer allowed to make vacation plans.
The family agreed immediately.
But the chaos was just beginning.
A few weeks later Tommy attended a huge community event.
Hundreds of people packed into a giant hall.
Tommy wasn’t scheduled to speak.
Nobody wanted him to speak.
Yet somehow he found himself standing in front of a microphone.
This was a mistake.
Tommy loved microphones.
The moment he touched one, his brain turned off.
He started telling stories.
Most were harmless.
Some were confusing.
A few should probably have required legal supervision.
At one point he described how Alexa had become a member of the family.
Then he acted out an argument between Alexa and Karen.
Then he performed impressions of both of them.
To his surprise, the crowd started laughing.
Not polite laughter.
Real laughter.
The kind that makes people bend forward and slap tables.
Tommy got excited.
The more they laughed, the crazier the stories became.
He described the airport disaster.
The whiskey incident.
The businessman who looked terrified.
He even demonstrated how the flight attendant had grabbed him by the arm and politely told him to sit down.
The crowd exploded with laughter.
Tommy felt unstoppable.
That was when things went wrong.
Again.
A man in the audience stood up and asked a question.
“Tommy, do you think people worry too much these days?”
Now, a normal person would have answered normally.
Tommy was not a normal person.
Instead, he launched into a ten-minute explanation involving airport security, family vacations, Alexa listening to conversations, and why his uncle believed every appliance was secretly spying on him.
The audience laughed harder with every sentence.
Even Tommy had no idea where the story was going.
Eventually he reached a point where he stopped speaking and just stared into space.
The crowd waited.
Tommy waited.
Everyone waited.
Finally he said, “I forgot what I was talking about.”
The audience laughed louder than at any joke all night.
After the event, people surrounded him.
“You’re hilarious.”
“You should be a comedian.”
“That story made no sense and somehow it was amazing.”
Tommy thanked them.
Then he went home feeling proud.
Very proud.
Possibly too proud.
The next morning he walked into the kitchen and announced, “I think I’m naturally gifted.”
Karen didn’t even look up from her coffee.
“At causing problems?”
“At entertaining people.”
Karen pointed toward the living room.
“Alexa, what’s Tommy naturally gifted at?”
Alexa responded immediately.
“Sorry. I do not know.”
The girls burst into laughter.
Tommy stared at the speaker.
“Alexa, after everything I’ve done for you?”
“Sorry. I do not understand the question.”
Karen nearly fell off her chair laughing.
Tommy shook his head.
“You know what? This is the thanks I get?”
Alexa replied, “You’re welcome.”
The room exploded.
Even Tommy started laughing.
And that was the moment he finally understood something important.
Technology wasn’t taking over the world.
Airports would always be chaotic.
Family vacations would always become disasters.
And no matter how hard he tried to look smart, his family would never let him forget the time he almost drank all the Jack Daniels on a flight and then lost an argument with a speaker.
Which, honestly, was probably for the best.
