Asian Dad and the TV Trial
My dad never watches TV like a normal person. Other people sit down, relax, eat snacks, and enjoy the show. My dad sits three feet away from the screen like he is the judge in court.
He wears his white tank top, old shorts, and slippers that sound angry every time he walks. His arms are always folded. His face looks serious, like the TV owes him money.
One night, I was watching a cooking show. The chef said, “Today, we are making a simple chicken dish.”
My dad leaned forward and said, “Simple? He already used twelve bowls. Who wash that?”
Then the chef added salt.
My dad shouted, “Too much! Blood pressure!”
Then the chef added butter.
My dad shook his head. “This man trying to kill everybody.”
I said, “Dad, it’s just TV.”
He pointed at the screen. “That’s why I must help them.”
After five minutes, he was no longer watching. He was arguing.
When a man on a drama show cried because his girlfriend left him, my dad said, “Good. Save money.”
When a police officer chased a criminal, my dad said, “Why run? Use shortcut!”
When a family bought a new house on a home show, my dad said, “Too expensive. Roof look weak.”
The funniest part was he made noises for everything. Not words, just random dad sounds.
“Hmmm.”
“Aiya.”
“Eh.”
“Tsk.”
Sometimes he sneezed so loud the whole house jumped.
“Achoo!”
Then he looked around like somebody attacked him. “Ay, why so dusty?”
Nobody knew what he was talking about. The house was clean. The dust was scared of him.
My mom came out from the kitchen and said, “Can you watch quietly?”
He said, “I am quiet.”
Right after that, the TV showed a singer hitting a high note.
My dad yelled, “Too loud!”
Mom stared at him. “You are louder than the singer.”
He ignored her and kept judging the TV.
Then a commercial came on for a fancy car. The man in the commercial drove beside the ocean, smiling like he had no problems.
My dad said, “He smiling because he don’t know monthly payment yet.”
I started laughing.
He looked at me and said, “Why you laugh? This is education.”
To my dad, every TV show is a lesson. Every movie has bad decisions. Every character wastes money. Every commercial is a scam.
But the best moment came when we watched a superhero movie. The hero jumped from a building and landed perfectly.
My dad crossed his arms harder.
“Fake,” he said.
I said, “Dad, of course it’s fake. It’s a superhero movie.”
He said, “Even superhero need knee pain.”
Then the hero saved the city.
My dad nodded slowly. “Okay. That one good. But he still need jacket. Nighttime cold.”
That is my dad: strict, loud, funny, and always ready to give advice to people who cannot hear him.
He doesn’t watch TV.
He supervises it.
